I Am {Still} a Stay-At-Home-Mom

You know how when adults make small talk the first thing that comes up is usually career?  It seems like a pretty safe topic, and one that everyone can contribute to.  Except that I can't.  Because technically I'm unemployed.  Lest you be fooled into thinking that I spend all day on the couch eating bon-bons and watching Gilmore Girls, trust me, I keep plenty busy.  I am the full-time mom of two young boys:  Emerson is two years old, and Theodore is five months old.  These two chubby cherubs have me at their beckon call twenty-four-seven. 

Still, when I'm in a group of competent looking people that, you know, wear pants on a regular basis, and we approach the subject I find my palms getting sweaty.  I have to tell them that I am a stay-at-home-mom and the fear of judgement creeps in.  I honestly don't know if this is based on the reality of what people think, or if I am projecting my crazy insecurities onto others.  Either way, I am so quick to give my reasons for staying home and add that I also teach summer school and substitute teach here and there.  Because somehow raising the objectively cutest humans on the planet doesn't feel good enough. I get defensive.  I fear that people will think my role is oppressive, antiquated, unfulfilling, and a waste of my time and talents. I guess, deep down, a little part of me believes those things, too.

How did I get here?  Sometimes I ask myself that.  A self-proclaimed feminist with a Master's Degree hanging out barefoot in the kitchen.  I certainly didn't see this path in my future.  My mom has always told me that she was a better mom because she worked.  I truly believe that.  I believe that working brought out the best in my mom.  That being at her best equipped her to raise us well.  I have watched her thrive in her career and in her home.  At the same time, I have come to believe that I am a better mom because I don't work.   I firmly believe that is best is up to each family, each mom, to decide.  There are a whole myriad of factors to weigh, from the mother's temperament, to what her job is like, to how the father feels, what the children are like, to the financial state of the family, and the list goes on.  There is no one right way to divide up the responsibilities of earning income and raising children.

When I felt new life begin to flutter inside me, I had a difficult choice to make.  I had a job that I loved, and that I was kind of good at.  I was a teacher:  a middle school English Language Arts teacher, to be exact.  But this baby would change everything.  I'd have new responsibilities, new feelings, I'd kind of be a new person.  Would I continue working?  Or would I take some time off to be a full-time parent?  In the end I made my choice.  I quit my job.  I went into this mom thing head on, full force.  I set my career aside and let my family be my life for awhile.

At the time my reasons felt clear and firm.  As time has gone on and staying home was nothing like what I pictured, I have sometimes lost sight of these reasons.  This year, an opportunity came up that forced me reevaluate everything.  Essentially, I had to make that difficult choice all over again.  I asked myself:  why did I quit my job in the first place?  What am I willing to sacrifice?  What are my non-negotiables?  What will help my family to thrive?  What would life be like if I was teaching again?  What kind of teacher would I be?  What kind of mom would I be?  I went back and forth in my heart and mind. In the end,  I decided to continue to be Emerson and Theodore's mom as a full-time gig (for now).

Going back to work seemed like such a titillating (under-utilized word in this former-English-teacher's opinion) option.  For this simple reason:  Before I quit my job I was sure that I was doing meaningful work.  

I felt that my work had the potential to make an eternal, widespread, lasting impact.  On a daily basis I was advocating for students who are often overlooked.  I made a special effort to serve those who were under-served.  I got to show love to individuals who sometimes didn't get this from their peers, other adults, or even their families.  I didn’t do it perfectly, but it felt like I was changing the world--or at least my small corner of the world.  I was sending out love and light and those things don’t come back empty, they bring a return. 

This work earned me income, and a nice-sized chunk of it.  I know teachers often complain about not being paid enough.  I don't want to brush over those concerns, because I understand them.  It can feel like you should be earning more money when you often work a substantial number of hours outside of your contracted time.  A teacher's salary also can be hard to sustain paying off the amount of debt required to obtain a teaching degree.  But to me, it felt like a large sum of money.  I guess being young and fresh off of working minimum wage jobs will do that to you.  The fact that the work I did every day brought in money made it feel worthwhile.

 It was highly intellectual.  I got to study really complex things and help make them simple to my students.  When kids weren't understanding the material I would wrack my brain for a creative way to help them get it.  When I was having discipline issues I'd consult books and other smart people and come up with a plan.  I got to attend professional development.   I could sit and listen to experts talk and feel like that doe-eyed college student who vigorously took notes about pedagogy.  My brain was consistently stimulated.  

At this point, though, I just couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger and go back to work.  Simply because, ultimately, I decided that I wouldn't be the mom or the teacher I want to be if I tried to do both.

It's partly my energy-level.  Teaching exhausts me.  I am an introvert.  So being in a room filled with loud, needy little people all day long drains me of my energy.  At the end of a long day of repeating instructions, extending patience, and inspiring enthusiasm I want nothing more than to lay on my couch and have nobody bother me.  Thanks to my super-human husband, when I was working before having kids, I often did just that.  I came home from work and basically just rested my weary head in silence until he brought me a hot meal. I can't imagine that puddle of a person being the only version of me that my kids ever got to see.  I know that living in limbo between meeting the endless needs of my students and then coming home and attempting to meet the never-ending needs of my young children would make me into shred of myself.  I don't want my children--or my husband for that matter--to just get my leftovers.

It's partly my temperament.  I have this neurotic need to do everything I do to the best of my ability.  I feel this tug as a teacher and as a parent.  The thought of letting someone else be in control of my child's sleep, diet, activities, discipline, etc. all day long makes me cringe.  Likewise, I am not satisfied in my teaching performance unless it is darn near perfect according to my standards.  This requires a lot of time and prep work.  As a teacher, I rarely worked a day without going outside of my contracted hours.  Additionally, I spent time dreaming up lesson plans on the weekends and during the summer. I can hardly imagine allowing myself to be, what I would consider, a sub-par teacher.  Harder still, is picturing myself not giving everything I have to my kids.

It's partly my kids' ages.  Theodore, in particular, is so young.  I am still his own personal milk machine--on call for nursing every two-three hours.  That means, that as a teacher, I'd have to stop working to have a date with my pump at least three times a work day.  Theo is still struggling with sleep, bless him.  Some nights are good, others make me whisper cuss words under my breath and seriously debate slipping a little something adult into my morning chai latte.  If I were teaching currently, I would come to work exhausted, and I would come home exhausted.  I don't know that I would be able to give my best to either party.  That doesn't sit well with me.

So, this year, another first day of school came and went.  I watched my friends, former, colleagues, and my dear husband go and ready their classrooms with butterflies in their stomachs, eagerly anticipating that first week.  My heart longs for that feeling.  Especially after listening to yet another tantrum, while changing yet another poopy diaper.  When I was teaching, I loved my job.  I loved decorating my classroom:  filling it with memes and bright colors and other things that excite thirteen-year-olds.  I loved learning all their names, and I loved the proud, surprised looks on their faces when I was able to recite each precious one.  I loved coming up with fresh approaches to classic material.  I loved the way the kids lit up when I gave them opportunities to move, to talk, to be creative.  I loved seeing them make strides academically and socially.  I loved watching them begin to feel confident knowing that someone was on their side.  And sure, there are plenty of things I don't love.  But man does that grass look nice and green from my view on the other side.

This is my third year of doing work that is thankless, invisible and underpaid.  I am just now starting to come to terms with being a SAHM.  I am finally beginning to feel at peace with the way I spend my days.  This journey has been difficult and frustrating at time, but it has taught me so much. 

Lesson one:  there is no such thing as meaningless work.  Perhaps, like me, you've bought into the message that important work requires a college degree.  Or earns the big bucks.  Or utilizes great talent, intelligence and creativity.  I think more than anything that is just our cultural bias.  Important work is whatever you find yourself doing in this season right here right now.  You are important, the people you work with and for are important, so your work is important.  Just because your job may not be traditional or prestigious or innately benevolent does not mean that it isn't good. 

Are you a janitor?  Do it to the best of your ability.  Maintain a space that is clean and neat and ready for people to love and laugh and work and rest in.  Create an atmosphere of peace.  When you have the opportunity to interact with others know that your smile and kind words go a long way.  Are you a bar-tender?  Use your gifts to give people an enjoyable experience.  Lift their spirits (literally and figuratively).  Bear their burdens.  Love friends and strangers.  A nanny?  Love those children with everything you have. Stand in the place of their parents for a little while.  Allow Mom and Pop to leave their homes with peace of mind knowing their greatest treasures will be well-cared for in their absence.  Speak truth and encouragement over those little souls. Are you a full-time care-taker?  A starving artist?  A construction worker?  A lawyer? A barista?  Your title doesn't matter.  But you do.  You matter. And the time you are spending is absolutely not wasted. 

Because it doesn't really matter what you do.  It matters how you do it.  Do whatever you're doing right now in a way that gives value and dignity and hope to human beings.  Because that's what really matters.  Not money, or status, or visions of grandeur.  People matter.  Love matters.  Do what you do in love and joy and it will inherently be meaningful.

Next lesson:  parenting is valuable.  It is becoming more clear to me that this specific role is not to be taken lightly.  I am hyper-aware that the things I give my children will be theirs for the rest of their lives.  The pictures I take will be the only ones they have of their childhood.  The memories we build will be theirs to cherish forever.  The habits, the love, the relationships with food, with money, with conflict, with church will stay with them for a lifetime.  Luckily, people are resilient, and God's grace is big, so they will be able to bounce back regardless of the particular way we are inevitably messing them up.  There are no perfect parents.  But still, the work my husband and I are doing in our children's lives matters.  As I was pleading with God about my purpose recently, oh-so-humbly reminding him about the training, talents, and intelligence I have for him to use he gently corrected me, "Yes, you are qualified, but who would you want raising your children?"  Raising your children.  Helping human beings to grow into people of character.  Of course God would pick someone qualified to do this role, because it is important work.  I am in a position to influence human souls.  That echoes into eternity.

I don't know where you're at today.  Whether you're thriving in your career, or working a just-for-now job.  Whether you're happily unemployed, or hopefully in between jobs.  Whether you're spending your days parenting, or praying, or accounting, or cashiering, or policing, or studying, or doing a hodge-podge of things.  But I do know this:  whatever you're doing it is meaningful.  You don't have to defend your life to me or anyone else.  I don't either--thank goodness.  We have the potential to make a difference in the world exactly where we are right now.  We can bloom wherever we've been planted.  Even if if looks like that's in a crack in the middle of the sidewalk.

 I'll leave you with a word of encouragement from Jen Hatmaker's book For The Love (she is speaking to Christians in particular here, but I think if you can wade past the church-y language, it is applicable to anyone):

"If you assume an obedient life requires a thousand moving parts, a bunch of church programs, an international movement, a big fancy ministry, or a giant platform, let Jesus' description of the kingdom relieve you:  small, invisible, humble, tiny seeds, mostly hidden.  Faithfulness is not easy, but it is simple.  You are already able, already positioned, already valuable in your normal life on your normal street next to your normal neighbors in your normal work."

Supernova

I have big feelings.  When they crop up they feel all-consuming.  I look to the east and the west the north and the south and only see them all around me like constellations lining the inside of a tent.  They are dark and yet littered with glimmers of beauty and light.  Being a mom is hard for me.  Harder it seems, than for some.  I don't know if other people are better at hiding their feelings.  Mine pour out of my eyes.  Perhaps others have personalities that help them flow into the roll of motherhood more naturally than mine.  Whatever the reason, this season of littles feels extra challenging.  I feel as though I used to be a planet.  But now I am a moon that revolves around my children.  Or maybe I just have little moons orbiting me, constantly tugging at my gravity.  I wonder who am I?  What is left of me after diaper changes and bedtime stories and dos and don'ts.  Who is this person that I let fall onto the couch like a pile of clean laundry at the end of a long day.  Who is this woman that I scrape out of bed in the morning, at an hour that comes much two early, with a proverbial spatula.  Moments spent doing something that I enjoy or completely at rest are few and far between and almost always interrupted.  Quiet is a unicorn.  It disappears as quickly as I have let out a sigh of relief.  And then the guilt seeps in.  Because this life is a catch-22.  I love these children!  There is enough joy in one wispy blonde curl, one chubby cheek upturned in a grin, one musical baby coo, to power the sun.  Yet I watch the clock and count down its ticks until they will be sleeping and I will be able to breathe.  There is a condemnation in that.  A voice that whispers, "You're supposed to enjoy every second.  This season won't last forever.  You'll miss this someday."  While I know those statements contain flecks of truth, I think it's also okay to feel.  It's okay to feel sad as I watch my old life die.  It's okay to feel exhausted after I give more of myself than I knew I had to give.  It's okay to grieve my maidenhood as I watch it disappear in the rear view mirror.  And besides, while I'm looking in there, I might just catch a glimpse of those little blue orb eyes full of wonder, full of joy, full of unconditional love for me, and remind myself that this will all be worth it one day.

My Favorite Baby Products Round Two

When I was pregnant with baby number one, I remember feeling so overwhelmed choosing baby products.

Bumbo.  Boppy.  Nosefrida.  Ergo.  Mamaroo.  K'tan.  Wubbanub.

 As I scrolled past the words on my screen they sounded like gibberish.  It felt like learning a new language: the secret language of motherhood.    I knew some of the basics babies needed like diapers and bottles.  But then there were so many things I hadn't even fathomed could exist like a wipe warmer and a diaper genie (which FYI doesn't grant you three magical diaper change-related wishes--I know, I was bummed when I found out, too).  Plus, there were so many different styles, models, and brands of everything.  I didn't know where to start.  What really helped me were recommendations from other moms.  Hearing what they found useful was a great starting point for me, so I thought I could provide the same for other moms.  A couple of years ago, I made this list of my favorite baby things that we used with our first son, Emerson.  While I still love those items, this time around I have some new faves to add to the list.

Zutano Booties

You know how everyone wants to give you tiny sneakers (or ballet shoes if you have a girl) because they look stinking adorable on babies' little feet?  Well, those are super fun, and good to have for pictures or special occasions, but here's how it goes most of the time with those shoes:  you finagle babies feet into them while he/she squirms and kicks and fusses and then they stay on for all of about 36 seconds at which point you toss them in your diaper bag because you can't imagine going through the whole shoe-applying process again.  This is why I love Zutano Booties--they actually stay on!  As an added bonus, since they are booties, you don't have to bother with socks.  Have you ever tried to find newborn socks in a load of laundry fresh from the dryer?  When babies are first born they are notoriously cold so it's good to have something to keep their toes cozy.  These booties get the job done with very little hassle.  Low-hassle has been a large priority for me as I adjust to life with two very needy nuggets.

Haakaa Silicone Breastfeeding Manual Pump

Okay, silicone pump, where have you been all my life?  Seriously, I have not used my big machine pump once since baby number two came along, and I have over 25 bags of breast-milk in the freezer currently!  What?  With baby number one I thought I was pretty much a pumping pro on those rare occasions I had a freezer stash of five or more bags.  I am a stay at home mom, so I don't need tons of expressed milk.  But I also love to pretend that I have a life outside of my children so I need to have some breast-milk available in the event that I choose to leave the house without the infant.  This manual pump was perfect for that.  I hate pumping.  I never make time for it.  It involves making sure several parts are available and clean.  Plus it kind of makes me feel like a cow on a dairy farm hooked up to one of those milking machines.  This little silicone guy makes expressing milk so easy!  All I did was suction it to one boob while I fed baby on the other.  In those early days after your milk comes in, you can tend to have a lot of supply.  So during that time I'd just use the Haakaa once or twice a day--usually in the morning when I was nice and full--and I'd always get 2-3 ounces for zero work!  All I had to do was suction it on and feed baby, then put the milk in a bag and pop it in the freezer.

Solly Baby Wrap

Some lovely friends of mine gifted me with this for baby number one, and I definitely used it with him, but am using it much more frequently with little brother.  I have a toddler to take care of so those times when little one really struggles to sleep I can just throw him in the wrap and go about my business.  I also have loved it for small outings:  the farmers market, the grocery store (because only one kid can fit in a shopping cart, so I found it easiest to wear the baby and let the toddler sit), the park, church (can I get an amen!  Wearing baby seriously makes my church experience so much easier and more enjoyable), even just playing in the backyard with my first.  The Solly Wrap may look intimidating at first--gee that's a lot of fabric--but I've found that once you get the hang of it it's actually pretty simple to use.  It's soft, light-weight, easily to pack and go, and is laced with magical baby sleeping powder.  The wrap makes soothing your baby and getting around with him/her a snap.

Backpack Diaper Bag

How did I survive without this before?  Okay, let me just say that I loved my first diaper bag.  It was beautiful and had tons of storage.  (I still use it for times when one kid goes here and the other goes there).  But, I do remember it feeling cumbersome at times.  It also occupied one of my arms and slid off if I needed to quickly assist my son or bend down for some other reason.  The backpack stays on better.  It frees up both of my hands.  I can even hold one of my kids while I'm wearing it.  There are so many options out there currently as backpacks are kind of trendy right now.  Ours is a Skip-Hop and I love it because has lots of pockets for organization (I hate digging through a big open bag and not being able to find anything).  I also love the clips it has that make attaching it to our stroller super convenient.  Plus, it looks cute.  I don't know if that's a priority for everyone, but it's definitely a bonus for me.  I'd say that if you have two or more kids a back-pack diaper bag is a must-have.

Dwell and Slumber Dresses

Probably my favorite thing to use for those early days after labor and delivery were my Dwell and Slumber dresses.  Yes dresses, because even though I told myself I only needed one somehow I ended up with two...They are soft, loose, flowy, and basically the most comfortable thing you could wear.  Plus, because of the way they hang and the pretty patterns and colors available, you can look put together and feminine while still experiencing the comfort of lounging in a pair of sweats.  They have snaps down the front for easy access to the goods if you're nursing.  And pockets that you can keep your snacks or phone in.  I got my first one while I was still pregnant (it was heavenly in those last couple of months when basically nothing fit) and my second one right before delivery.  I actually wore one of them to the hospital, and the other right after giving birth.  They were comfy enough to sleep in, but looked cute enough to wear home.  When we left the hospital I basically wore them on repeat for the first month+.  My body had changed.  My tummy felt round and squishy, my breasts were heavy with milk and often disproportional so I found that these dresses were some of the only articles of clothing that I felt good wearing.  I highly recommend buying one or two for recovery from birth (or even for maternity, or if you just like to feel like you're wearing pajamas without actually wearing pajamas).  They might seem a little pricey, but really they aren't when you consider that all D+S gowns are ethically made in the USA.

Halo Bassinest Swivel Sleeper

We keep our babies in our room with us for the first few months while they're still little enough that they're up multiple times a night to breastfeed, and while I"m still obsessively checking in on their breathing.  I think it's pretty common actually.  So if that's your plan, I would recommend getting some sort of bassinet.  With our first son, we used a Pac-N-Play with a bassinet insert during the early days.  We loved that option, and especially loved how the Pac-N-Play was still functional and useful after we moved baby to his crib in his own room.  This time around, we were in a new place and our bedroom had less space.  The Pac-N-Play would technically fit, but it would make the room feel pretty cramped.  So we opted for something smaller.  I absolutely love the Halo Bassinest for this purpose.  It is tall and sturdy (read:  my toddler can't knock it over or destroy it).  It is flat which makes me feel better about following safety recommendations.  The sides are mesh, which again helps me feel safe enough to sleep at night.  The sleeping space is large enough that baby has a little room to grow in it (just in case he gets too big before we're ready to transition him to his crib).  Plus, my favorite feature is that, as per its name, it swivels.  In a small space, that makes it so much easier to get around.  I can easily turn the bed so that I can fit beside it.  I can swivel it closer to the bed to take baby out of it to nurse in the middle of the night, but the swivel him further away from the bed while he snoozes.


What would you add to the list?  Did any of these products work for you and your little one?  New/soon-to-be mamas, any other questions about brands or products?  I'm no expert, but I'd be happy to let you pick my brain.

*Click here to read my first post about favorite baby items*

Just Like God

Do you ever feel like you're missing it?  Like beautiful, profound, holy things are happening and you're just not seeing it?  Like just beneath the surface God is invisibly weaving miracles and you're too busy, or tired, or angry to notice?  I had this wake-up call about a month ago.

Somewhere between my dreams I heard the faint jingle of our chubby French bulldog's tags against her collar.  I lurched from my sleep and headed to the living room hoping to catch her before she peed on our carpet and throw her out the back door so she could do her business where nature intended.  Our squatty girl has a small bladder and sometimes still, at three years old, struggles with this potty training thing.  Naturally, at this point, I was already feeling annoyed.  I had been awoken from a dead sleep at 1:30 in the morning in order to prevent having to scrub yet another urine spot out of our cream-colored carpet. 

Out of the big glass window, one of my favorite features of our living room, I saw what just barely registered to me as snow falling.   The lights from the elementary school across the street illuminated the fluffy flakes drifting from the sky as the whole world slept.  The grass outside was frosted with a thin layer of the beautiful, glistening, stuff.

I had to wake my husband up.  He is a snow enthusiast.  We just sat on the couch for a few moments with matching groggy grins, taking it in together.  This snowfall was completely unexpected as it was the middle of February after an almost dry winter.  In fact, the weather had been in the 60s just a week prior.  This really felt out of the blue and therefore surreal.

Then a thought crossed my mind that filled me with instant bitterness.  "What if we get a snow-day tomorrow?"  I asked my husband.  As a stay-at-home-mom who's married to a teacher, the prospect of a snow day usually fills me with glee.  With it comes help with the baby, an adult to talk to throughout the day, and bonding with some of my favorite people on the planet.

This time, though, a snow day meant only that I wouldn't get to sub.  I had been substitute teaching once a week as a means to get out of the house, keep my foot in the door of education, and to earn a little bit of income.  My friend and I happened upon a really great system.  Both former teachers and current SAHMs to one year old boys, one day a week she watched both boys while I subbed and vice versa. 

Recently, there had been several weeks when, for whatever reason, I hadn't been able to sub.  Sometimes I couldn't find an opening on a day that my friend was available to babysit.  Sometimes the small district I worked in just didn't have any openings at all.  The previous week, I had a sub job scheduled for a Friday, and my friend got sick on Thursday.  Every time I missed a job, I felt frustrated, stressed, and anxious, mostly because it meant loss of precious income, and let's be honest time away from my child, that I treasured.

When I feared I was about to miss out yet again, because of a snow day of all things, I thought,"This is just like God to do this to me."  It seemed like the stars had aligned just perfectly to deprive me of subbing that day.  As if God had orchestrated this.  My job was for a Wednesday, the district had no school that Friday, and my childcare buddy was unavailable Thursday--this was my only chance to sub that week.  My natural inclination was to assume that God would rearrange the weather no-less, just to short-change me.

I felt those words crawl out of my throat, "It's just like God to do this to me."  When I heard them play back, I knew they could have only been birthed out of some ugliness in my heart.  What was I believing about God?  I was essentially believing that God was intentionally holding out on me.  That he knew how much I enjoyed subbing and how much I would love to have that money, and yet he plotted behind the scenes to take those good things away from me.  Isn't that the original lie that Eve believed in the garden of Eden?

Here's how it went down in Genesis 3:

"Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” 2 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3 but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’ ” 4 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. 5 “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it."

The snake (aka Satan) essentially tells Eve, God isn't protecting you.  He's holding out on you.  He knows that you would get this good thing from eating the fruit, but he is choosing not to give it to you.  Sound familiar?

Lies can only be quenched with truth.  The truth is that God is a good father.   "Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God" (1 John 3:1). The bible describes me as a child of God.  What parent doesn't want good for their children?  Sure, we may sometimes deny their wishes out of protection or preservation.  But I know that as a mom, I am looking for opportunities to bless my son.  I love to say yes to him.  It's not always possible (you can't have jello for every meal), but when he wants something and I know it's also in his best interest I delight in giving it to him.

God is no doubt the same.  The bible says, "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:9-11).  God is a better parent than me!  If I love to give good things to my children, then of course he loves to give good things to me.  God isn't arranging the cosmos behind the scenes to hurt or deprive me.  It is quite the opposite, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future," (Jeremiah 29:11).  He is looking for ways to bless me.  He is working all things together for my good (Romans 8:28).


So, what came of that snowy night?  Well, instead of school being cancelled it was simply delayed:  we had a two hour late start.  That meant that I got the whole enchilada: extra time with my husband, an opportunity to sub, and the full day's worth of pay that comes with it. Not only this, but because of the snow that brought on the two-hour late start I'd received extra blessings. 

When I arrived at the school and made my way to the preschool classroom that I happened to be working in that day, I began to read the sub notes.  The nitty gritty details were scrawled across four plus pages of yellow lined paper.  The words "toileting," and "diapering," quickly caught my eye.  Here I was doing this at least partially to get a break from diapers, and this job would require me to wipe behinds additional the one that was waiting for me at home? That bitter feeling crept back into the pit of my stomach.

Then, a paraeducator walked in and informed me that due to the late-start,  preschool had been cancelled for the day.  Preschool took place in the early half of the day.  The rest of the day the teacher I was filling in for worked with small groups of kindergartners.  It also happened to be Valentines day.  Which meant that said kindergartners would be spending the day eating pink-frosted heart-shaped cookies and passing out cards that read things like, "You rock, Valentine," rather than doing their regular school work.  My job for the day was exceptionally simplified. I had essentially nothing do to for the morning, and in the afternoon I'd basically be watching kids delight over their treats.  God had lightened my load.

 Additionally, I ended up helping another teacher with some of her prep-work in lieu of teaching preschool, and she encouraged me.  In side conversation we approached the topic of staying home full-time to care for young children--something I constantly doubt and wrestle with--and she told me that she believes it makes a huge difference.  She said that as a preschool teacher, she can tell the kids who have had a parent (or relative, or great nanny) provide their full-time care.  She said that it has the potential to make a difference in development, manners, and demeanor.  She described these children as confident.  This is something that I desperately want for my children:  for them to know that they are loved and to feel secure.  I felt encouraged to press on in my work as a stay at home mom.

It turns out that it was just like God, to do this to me.  It was just like God to give me those sweet moments in the middle of the night to appreciate his beauty alongside my husband.  It was just like him to give me extra rest.  It was just like him to remove the burden from my day.  It was just like him to arrange for me to hear the very encouragement that my heart needed.

Why did I expect cursing, rather than blessing to come from God?  I believed a lie about the very nature of God.  We inform our view of the character of God based on a lot of things.  Past experiences, past hurts, past disappointments can often seep into the way we see him.  Sometimes the enemy of our souls whispers about God into our ears.  We can start to believe that he wants bad for us rather than good.  We can start to question whether or not he really loves us; whether he is really for us.  We can start to expect God to behave based on this false character that we have assigned to him.  When we view God through these tainted lenses, we can miss out on what he's doing.  We can mistake things he's intended for our good as bad.  We can even see blessing as cursing.

How are you viewing God today, friend?  Are you just waiting for him to bless you?  Are you believing that he is a good father who wants the absolute best for your life?  That because he didn't withhold even his son from you, there is no good thing he would deprive you of (provided that it's actually in your best interest)?  Or like mine was, is your view of him distorted?  Are you anticipating the next heartache he's going to bring your way?  Are you just waiting for him to leave you in the dust?

Let's remind ourselves who God is, what he's done for us, and how he feels about us.  Rather than viewing our God based on what we know about our situation, let's view our situation based on what we know about our God.  So that the next time God weaves together a miracle in our midst, we'll think to ourselves, "It is just like God to do that."